Not Your Everyday Eagles ‘Best-of’ Lists

Welcome to “Ranking the Eagles,” a six-part blog series o’ mine. Here, I will rank all 6 Eagles albums from the 1970s from worst to best, as well as the songs on said albums. All rankings are based on my opinions only! Don’t expect my lists to mirror Rolling Stone Magazine or the like, as I have VERY different tastes than the mainstream. Which makes writing (and hopefully reading) these posts much more fun, amirite?

Above: My Favorite Eagles lineup (1976-1977), L-R: Joe Walsh, Randy Meisner, Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Don Felder

I am not including Hell Freezes Over (1994) in this series as I don’t consider it an actual “album,” since all but 4 songs were re-releases (plus I’ve heard 2 of the 4 “new” songs and was unimpressed. ‘Love Will Keep Us Alive’? ‘Get Over it’? 😐). Also, I’ve not yet sat through Long Road Out Of Eden (2007) in its entirety, though I do find ‘Busy Being Fabulous’ pretty damn catchy:

Alas, though the song above is catchy, I’m still leaving Long Road Out Of Eden (2007) out of this ranking series. It’s just too much of an outlier, being a double album released 28 years after The Long Run (1979).

The Long Run (1979): A Primer

Above: The 1979 Long Run lineup, L-R: Joe Walsh, Timothy B. Schmit, Glenn Frey, Don Henley, Don Felder

The Long Run would be the final album of all new material the Eagles would release for 28 years. Prior to The Long Run, the groundbreaking Hotel California (1976) had been a game-changer in terms of the Eagles’ legendary status (though Hotel California is, perhaps surprisingly, not even close to my favorite Eagles album of all time). For two long years, the band felt tremendous pressure to match the same standard of greatness they had risen to with Hotel. Sadly, however, such greatness would not be repeated with The Long Run, aka ‘The Long One.’ To its credit, however, The Long Run did hit #1 on the Billboard chart the second week of its release and held the spot for eight weeks thereafter.

When Only 20% of the Team Is In The Game

I would guess that during the creation and recording of The Long Run in the studio, brand-new Eagle Timothy B. Schmit was chomping at the bit to release some quality music. Newly added to the band, TBS replaced my beloved Randy Meisner on bass and high-harmony vocals after Randy jumped ship in September 1977. TBS had just gotten the golden ticket offer to join literally the biggest band in the world after semi-struggling as a member of legendary-yet-hitless country-rock pioneer band Poco (also, interestingly, replacing Randy Meisner in THAT band as well back in 1969) for the previous decade, and was likely full of ideas and excitement- similar to a kid on Christmas. However, the other four Eagles weren’t feeling the same flavor of enthusiasm as TBS, especially Eagle Führers Don Henley and Glenn Frey. By the late 1970s, Henley and Frey seemed to be out of both steam and creativity, as well as self-control regarding their cocaine consumption. And while The Long Run does have it’s high points and moments of awesomeness, it’s low points hit depths no Eagles album has plummeted to before, and that’s the honest, no-holds-barred truth.

So it’s not just that The Long Run is the only Eagles album released in the 1970s without the über-talented, aesthetically-pleasing-to-the-max, criminally-underrated bass and high-harmony musical deity Randy Meisner. It’s actually the worst record they released that decade. I mean, 40% of the songs on the record are just complete and utter crap. All prior Eagles albums had maybe one bad song if that. The Long Run has FOUR bad songs. Yikes.

The Long Run (1979) Tracks, Ranked Worst to Best

Indeed, The Long Run is the worst Eagles album of the 1970s. However, it still does contain 6 fantastic songs! Conversely, as I previously stated, the album also contains 4 of the absolute worst tunes I have ever heard in my entire life. For a band that claimed to not believe in filler material, if any of the tracks listed in the range #10-#7 here were thought of as high-caliber tunes by ANY of the five 1979-era Eagles, they must have been snorting some of that blow through their ears, causing substantial hearing impairment back then. For realz.

So without further adieu, I present my ranking of all 10 tracks on The Long Run, the Eagles’ 6th studio album, released in 1979, ranked from worst to best. As previously stated, song popularity and sales have zero to do with my list, as this is all 100% my opinion. Enjoy!

The 1979 Eagles are:
Don Felder: guitars, organ, backing vocals
Glenn Frey: guitars, keyboards, vocals
Don Henley: drums, percussion, vocals,
Timothy B. Schmit: bass guitar, vocals
Joe Walsh: guitars, keyboards, vocals

#10: Teenage Jail

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey, J.D. Souther
Lead Vocals: Henley and Frey

I know that the Eagles typically list songwriters in the order of their degree of contribution to a song. Thus if I were J.D. Souther (pretty much Glenn Frey’s side chick outside of Don Henley) and was credited as the third songwriter on ‘Teenage Jail,” I’da said, “You know what guys? I’m good with my name being left off this one.”

Yes, this track is THAT BAD. What the hell were Henley and Frey thinking? ‘Teenage Jail’? In 1979, Glenn Frey was the youngest Eagle and he was freaking 30. That ‘Teen King’ nickname he claimed for himself in the early 1970s was pushing it even back then. This song does remind me of a whiny, moody adolescent, but much like I want to leave the room when one of those are around and acting the part in full force, I want to hit the ‘stop’ button when this song comes on too. Because it is SO GD BAD. I can’t even tell if it is Glenn or Don singing, and typically their voices sound nothing alike. Worst Eagles song of ALL TIME, right here.

Here is the studio version. Beware: you can’t unhear it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDqvZ1NK4ZU

#9: The Disco Strangler

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Don Felder
Lead Vocal: Henley

This song starts out ok. I like Don Felder’s guitar riff (at least I think it’s him as he is credited as a writer.) Then Henley starts singing, and… wait… WT actual F? It’s like Don Henley is singing one song, Don Felder is playing a completely different song, and Bill Szymczyk got drunk and mistakenly layered the two songs on top of one another, creating this hot mess of a track.

Henley, usually an excellent singer (though at times, a bit schmaltzy for me), sounds drunk here. Usually, he sounds pissed off or all business on the Eagles songs he sings, but this one, his vocal is whinier than is typical. Additionally, the notes Henley holds for long periods of time sound like my daughter S4 when she is off in her own world, twirling in circles, holding one note as long as she possibly can before the floor or a wall ends up stopping her.

But Henley’s version of that is a lot less cute. This track should have been titled ‘The Hot Mess Express.’ Here is the studio version.

#8: King Of Hollywood

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey
Lead Vocal: Henley and Frey

Why is this song 6 minutes and 27 seconds long? What necessitated such a thing?

And again, I can’t even recognize Don Henley’s nor Glenn Frey’s vocals. I wonder if they are disguising their vocals because they know this song is awful, or because they are as high as two twisted kites stuck in a tornado?

Don Henley also has some creeptastic spoken lyrics in this song (at least I think it’s Henley because it sure AF doesn’t sound like him.)

Yeah, we gonna take care of you, darlin.’

EWWWWW. Perhaps he is trying to sound like the literal ‘King of Hollywood,’ here? IDK, because Don Felder’s porno-sounding guitar solo just distracted me from what I was typing, as I am STILL listening to this long ass song. I swear, “Lyin Eyes,’ and ‘Hotel California,’ both work well with a runtime of over 6 minutes, but ‘King of Hollywood’? Ain’t no reason for that.

Here is the studio version. See you next Thursday, when you finish listening to it.

#7: The Greeks Don’t Want No Freaks

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey
Lead Vocal: Henley  (Jimmy Buffett on backing vocals)

To round out the Quadrangle of Crap Songs on The Long Run is this ridiculousness. Besides the fact that tracks #10-#8 were even more horrendous, the only reason this track is ranked as high as #7 is it’s kinda kitschy. It reminds me of old movies like Animal House from the late-1970s and early 1980s, which perhaps is what they were either watching or going for when they composed this. Either way, it sounds dated AF, which makes it the most interesting dud of the four on this album.

Don Henley was really channeling his previous life as an English major academic with the lyrics he wrote for this tune, too. Here’s the first verse:
There was beer all over the dance floor
And the band was playin’ rhythm and blues
You got down and did the gator
And half an hour later you were barfin’ all over your girlfriend’s shoes

Stay classy, Henley, you wacky wordsmith, you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBlMD8cLzK4

#6: Heartache Tonight

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Bob Seger, J.D. Souther
Lead Vocal: Frey

And now, back to Eagles music that’s actually listenable!

Yes, I know this song went to #1 back in 1979. I actually kind of remember when it came out, actually, having turned 2 years old myself in 1979. But I can’t put my finger on what it is that turns me off about this tune. It’s not a bad song by any means, and I won’t turn it off if it comes on in the car, but it’s definitely not my favorite. Maybe too many writers? ‘James Dean’ from the Eagles’ album On The Border had 4 songwriters and I feel similarly about that one too. 1-3 writers seem to be the magic Eagles number regarding songwriter quantity leading to quality. Or something like that.

Here is the studio version:

#5: The Sad Cafe

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, J.D. Souther
Lead Vocal: Henley

I stand corrected. This song has 4 songwriters, and I actually do like it. Maybe its because Joe Walsh is one of the four? I find this song pretty fascinating, actually, as ‘The Sad Cafe’ references the Troubadour which was like, the Mecca of country-rock and folk artists in the early 1970s. However, I think by 1979, the Troub had lost a lot of its luster. Either that or Henley is sad for the folks still frequenting that place, trying to make it in the 70s rock scene that was very close to ending at the time this song was composed. Much like Henley sat in a Troubadour booth in 1970-71 wondering if he should either give up his music dreams and return to Texas or keep pursuing it out in LA, night after night at the Troubadour. In Henley’s case, it was during these musing sessions that Glenn Frey struck up a friendship with him, they both met Linda Rondstadt, and… the rest is history.

I do NOT like the saxophone outro, though. It ruins the whole song. I know it was 1979, we were headed into the heavy saxophone 1980s pop music scene, and Glenn Frey had a huge thing for saxophone inclusion in pop music (see his solo works ‘You Belong to the City’, ‘The Heat Is On,’ et. al) but for me, sitting here in 2018, the sax just ruins the tune. On the flipside, I love TBS’ bassline, as well as the 5-part harmony in the chorus and bridge. Good stuff.

Here is the studio version:

#4: Those Shoes

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Don Felder
Lead Vocal: Henley

This song is damn sexy, and that’s the truth. I never paid it much mind until Don Felder performed it at his solo show (I had no idea he co-wrote the tune until now, though). I recall after Felder played the tune, my father, a HUGE Eagles fan who attended the concert with me and then-S9, turning to me, smiling, and saying, “great song.”

It really is. Henley’s lyrics are on point in this tune, and his vocals are smoldering. And somehow, Joe Walsh’s talk box jives extremely well with a song that’s on the slow side. THIS song should have been released as a single, instead of ‘Heartache Tonight.’ Plus, well, damn, if I were the subject of this song, I’d be flattered as HELL.

The studio version:

#3: I Can’t Tell You Why

Written by: Timothy B. Schmit, Don Henley, Glenn Frey
Lead Vocal: Schmit

Ah, yes, Timothy B. Schmit’s shining moment. Of all the Eagles’ hit songs, only three are NOT sung by Don Henley or Glenn Frey, and this is one of the two hits sung by Schmit (‘Love Will Keep Us Alive’ is the other, which is schmaltzy to the hilt). The third of the non-Führer-sung hits is sung by Randy Meisner and will be definitely be covered later on.

‘I Can’t Tell You Why’ is a tremendous tune, with TBS’ stunning vocals making the track a standout on this album. Interestingly, my husband thinks that this tune sounds like the theme song to Law and Order and was actually surprised to find out its an Eagles song. But whatever, he listens to thrash metal so what does he know, right?

‘I Can’t Tell You Why’ hit #8 on the Billboard Hot 100, and with its R & B flavor, is a huge departure from Schmit’s previous work with Poco. When I saw the Eagles last year, the crowd went wild for the tune, so Schmit definitely struck gold with this one.

Here is the official music video because it was 1979 and MTV was about to take the world by storm!

#2: In The City

Written by: Joe Walsh, Barry De Vorzon
Lead Vocal: Walsh

I just realized that my beloved, second-favorite Eagle after Randy Meisner, Joe Walsh, is not featured much on The Long Run, other than on this song and he also has a co-writing credit on ‘The Sad Cafe.’ Then again, Walsh was also releasing solo music at the time, so homeboy was probably busy. In 1978, Walsh wrote and released ‘Life’s Been Good,’ which is an incredible tune he still performs today both at his solo shows and with the Eagles. In fact, Walsh’s solo songs are the only tunes from the member’s solo careers that the Eagles still play, today (thankfully as I am not a fan of Don Henley’s solo hits. That stuff was, like, my MOM’s music back in the day.)

Walsh delivers on his one lead vocal on The Long Run, as it is my second favorite track of all! ‘In the City’ does not sound like a typical Joe Walsh song, either. It’s less rock, more pop, and slower than his usual stuff. Apparently back in 1979 Walsh originally recorded this track for a movie called The Warriors, and the Eagles liked it so much they included it on this album. Or the band was out of ideas and needed a tenth song. Or something.

Either way, I’m glad it was included. And though not released as a single, ‘In the City’ has an official music video, too! Here it is!

#1: The Long Run

Written by: Don Henley, Glenn Frey
Lead Vocal: Henley

Yes, the best song on this album is the title track. It is also the first song on the album, starting the whole shebang off on a high note. ‘The Long Run’ the song is catchy as hell, with Tim Schmit’s bass excitedly on point throughout the duration of this track. You can almost hear TBS’ enthusiasm regarding his recent joining of the Eagles and thus finally making it to the big leagues. Every time I hear this song, I think of that.

Henley also throws some shade at a past flame in this song, with this lyric:
Cause all the debutantes in Houston, baby,
Couldn’t hold a candle to you

You think perhaps either Frey or Henley just had broken up with some lady from Houston? Ha. Whomever this mystery lady is though, she ended up with the last laugh, as her lyrical reference is forever immortalized in song.

THIS is the Eagles I know and love. Here is the official music video for ‘The Long Run.’ Take it away, boys!

Thanks for reading. Until next time!
For a Spotify playlist of this album, see below: